- And of His Signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for people who give thought.

(Ar-Rome 30, Ayah 21)

Importance of Relationship

The first relationship created by the Almighty for human society was husband-wife. A healthy, cordial and strong husband-wife relationship is the prerequisite for a happy and emotionally well knit family which, in turn, is a pre-requisite for a peaceful, harmonious and prosperous society. It is, therefore, not without reason that the relationship is discussed by the Holy Qur’an in detail. The importance of the relationship can be gauged by the fact that out of thirty-two places where the term Ma’roof (acceptable norm) is used in the Holy Qur’an, at as many as sixteen places it is used in the context of husband-wife relationship. The sanctity of the relationship underscored by the Holy Qur’an is more than evident when it uses the term Muhsinat (fortified, protected) for the married women. 

In Islam, marriage is looked upon as the prime source of maintaining the modesty and saving from moral turpitude. As such, we are encouraged to establish this relationship as early as possible, once we reach the stage of puberty.

- And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they are poor, Allah (SWT) will enrich them from His Bounty, and Allah (SWT) is All-Encompassing and Knowing.

(An-Noor 24, Ayah 32)

- We were with the Prophet (SAAW) while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah’s Messenger said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual activity). And whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.”

(Abdullah (RA), Bukhari 5066)

Let us see the guidelines provided by the Holy Qur’an and Sunnah for a successful married life.

Mutual Consent 

As a first step, when the search for a life partner is initiated, the Holy Qur’an and Sunnah provide us with guidelines which, if followed in the true spirit, will ensure a harmonious and happy relationship.

It is a harsh fact that despite all the so called progress, advancement and modernization of the society – as is claimed by some people – human society has remained male dominated. Our Creator knows our psyche better than we ourselves do. Thus, guidelines are provided to man to avoid any exploitation of the weak position of women. 

When the groom is looking for a bride, the guideline given by the Holy Qur’an is

- O you who believe! It is not lawful for you to inherit women against their will. ….

(An-Nisa 4, Ayah 19)

And the Prophet (SAAW) said,

- “A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission.” The people asked, “O Allah’s Messenger (SAAW)! How can we know her permission (she may be feeling shy)?” Allah’s Messenger (SAAW) said, “Her silence (indicates her permission).” 

(Abu Hurairah (RA), Bukhari 5136; Muslim 3303)

It is worth noting that while tying the nuptial knot, the consent of the bride takes priority over the consent of the groom. This is a measure to provide the girl to express her dissent if the marriage is fixed against her wishes or without consulting her. 

Selection of Life Partner

In the selection of life partner what is the criterion that one should look for? 

The Prophet (SAAW) said:

- A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman otherwise you will be a loser.

(Abu Hurairah (RA), Bukhari 5090; Muslim 3457) 

The Holy Qur’an says:

- This day (all) good and pure things are made lawful to you. The food of the people of the Book is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are (not only) chaste women who are believers, but also chaste women among the people of the Book, revealed before your time,- when you give them their due dower, and desire chastity, not lewdness, nor secret intrigues. ……

(Al-Ma’edah 5, Ayah 5)    

Basis of Relationship

Thus, it is amply clear that while satisfaction of sexual desire is acknowledged as a natural need, lust and lewdness should not be at the top of one’s mind when looking for a life partner. Establishing a healthy, God fearing family should be the prime motive. Taking the family forward and providing the society with a healthy (in all respects) future generation is the prime objective.

- Your wives are a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when and how you will; but do some good act for your soul beforehand; and fear Allah(SWT), and know that you are too meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give (these) good tidings to those who believe.

(Al-Baqarah 2, Ayah 223)

It is noteworthy that even the sexual relationship between husband and wife is treated with respect and dignity since they are within the permitted boundaries. The intimate and exclusive relationship that exists between them demands highest degree of mutual respect and confidentiality. People who share their experiences of intimate moments with friends as a matter of pastime and fun are strongly condemned by the Prophet (SAAW). Following Hadith is an eye opener for so many of us:

- The Prophet (SAAW) said, “The most wicked among the people in the eyes of Allah (SWT) on the Day of Judgment is the man who goes to his wife and she comes to him, and then he divulges her secret.”

(Abu Sa’id Al-Khudri (RA), Muslim 3369)

The significance of the nuptial accord is emphasized in the following Hadith:

- Allah’s Messenger (SAAW) said, “From among all the conditions which you have to fulfill, the conditions which you make it legal for you to have sexual relations (i.e., the marriage contract) have the greatest right to be fulfilled.”

(‘Uqba bin ‘Aamir (RA), Bukhari 2721)  

Family Hierarchy 

Once the nuptial bond is tied and the institution of family is established, the role of the head of the family is assigned to the male while that of the homemaker is assigned to the female. The Holy Qur’an says:

- Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because they spend out of their possessions (to support them). Thus, righteous women are obedient and guard the rights of men in their absence under Allah’s (SWT) protection. …..

(Al-Baqarah 2, Ayah 34)

The original word in the Qur’an’s text is Qawwamun which means a person responsible for administering and supervising the affairs of either an individual or an organization, for protecting and safeguarding them and taking care of their needs. (Abul Ala Maududi, Tafheem-ul-Qur’an)  

Some ‘broad-minded’ people will be uncomfortable with the role of ‘master of the house’ for men. For them to understand the wisdom, we site a parallel example:

At the time of joining a company a person is in a position to negotiate the terms and conditions and job description before actually joining it. But once the person joins the company, he has to work ‘under’ his boss. No one – however ‘broad-minded’ – will have any objection to this role assignment and organizational hierarchy.

It must, however, be clear that while the onus of providing financial support lies with the man, Islam does not forbid woman from entering the realm of business or job, maintaining their dignity and modesty. At the same time, while taking care of the household is primarily the responsibility of the lady of the house, men folk are encouraged to extend to them a helping hand.   

There are a number of Ahadeeth in which we are told that Prophet (SAAW) used to extend a helping hand in the daily chores, mend his clothes himself and so on.  

Nature of Relationship

               The Holy Qur’an depicts the husband-wife relationship with the most beautiful and

              appropriate parable.                                                 

- …. They are your garments and you are their garments. ….

(Al-Baqarah 2, Ayah 187)

Thus, just as the prime purpose of the garment is to cover the modesty of an individual, the prime responsibility of an individual is to protect the dignity and honor of his/her life partner in the society.

Just as the decency of the attire gives respect and value to an individual in the society, a pious and well mannered life partner provides respect and value to the individual in the society. Again, while our garments provide us protection against inclement weather, a supporting and understanding life partner is our biggest support in adverse circumstances.

It is noteworthy that in normal circumstances the male partner plays dominant role in providing support and protection to the family but in most dire and critical situations it is sometimes the endurance, resilience and temperament of the female partner that comes to the fore and outdo the male partner in dealing with the situation.

Misconceptions about the Relationship

It is surprising and painful to note that while the Holy Qur’an and Sunnah provide the institution of marriage and dignity of woman high sanctity, there are some serious misconceptions prevalent even amongst the Muslims, based on some fabricated narrations and concocted notions borrowed from other cultures. 

Dr. Ghazi Al-Shammari notes in his book ‘The Prophet Muhammad (SAAW) – The Best of Husband’:

“There are some fabricated Ahadeeth which demean the status of women and their opinions. Scholars have warned people to be wary of these fabricated narrations. Some of them are, ‘Obeying the wife (leads to) regret’ and ‘Seek their advice, then do the opposite of what they say’. Also, ‘There are three whom if you obey them, you will be disgraced: the slave, the wife and the farmer’. Such inauthentic narrations obviously go against Qur’an and Sunnah.”

As regards seeking and following the advice of the life partner, we need to look at the Seerah of the Prophet (SAAW). 

On the occasion of Treaty of Hudaibiyah when it was agreed to defer the ‘Umrah for one year, Prophet (SAAAW) asked the Companions to slaughter their animals which they brought to sacrifice after ‘Umrah. Despite the Prophet (SAAW) asking them repeatedly none of the dejected Companions moved from his position. Prophet (SAAW) returned to his tent and shared the incident with his wife, Umm-e-Salmah (RA), who was accompanying him in that journey. Hazrat Umm-e-Salmah (RA) told him not to say anything to anyone but go and sacrifice his own animals. Prophet (SAAW) came out and sacrificed his animals. Seeing this, all the Companions followed and sacrificed their animals.

After the Prophet (SAAW), when Companions used to have doubt or difference of opinion on some religious issue, they used to approach mother of believers, Aisha (RA) to seek clarification.

These are just two examples to demolish the false narrative created by fabricated narrations.

Another very damaging narrative prevalent – even amongst Muslims – is that woman is responsible for the expulsion of man from Paradise. Nothing can be far away from truth. Holy Qur’an categorically states that Satan targeted Adam (AS), not Eve, and lured him to commit the mistake:

- Then Satan whispered to him saying, “O Adam (AS)! Shall I direct you to the tree of eternity and possession that will not deteriorate?”

- Then the two of them ate the fruit of that tree, and their private parts became apparent to them, and they began to cover themselves with the leaves from the Garden. This Adam (AS) disobeyed his Rabb and strayed into error.

(Ta-Ha 20, Ayat 120-121)

The idea of Eve being responsible for the original sin is actually mentioned in today’s Bible (Authorized King James Version).

- And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day you eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

(Genesis 3: 4-5)  

To sum up, husband-wife relationship is a pious, dignified and trust-based relationship. It is a relation whose foundation is laid on mutual respect, trust and – above all – immense love.

- And of His Signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are the signs for a people who give thought. 

(Ar-Rome 30, Ayah 21)

Bitterness in Relationship

Despite all precautions and necessary investigation carried out to ensure that a perfect match is selected as life partner, there may be situations, circumstances or new facts coming to light after marriage that may make it difficult to carry on together. In such situations, the Holy Qur’an has provided clear guidelines to follow in order to sort out the differences or issues; or to have a dignified separation.

Before we discuss the guidelines provided by the Holy Qur’an to deal with these estranged relationship, let us ponder over some of the major reasons that give rise to such a situation. 

In our society it is customary that the girl moves to husband’s paternal house after marriage.  The first mistake that is committed by husband or in-laws is to expect the new entrant to adopt the lifestyle, customs and traditions of their family from day one, not giving her time to understand and adjust to the new environment. The girl, already under stress due to separation from the parents and familiar atmosphere of her home, may respond according to her own temperament, grooming and psyche. It is in this context that the following Ahadeeth need to be understood:

- “And I command you to take care of the women in good manner for they are created from a rib and the most crooked part of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, it will it, it will remain crooked, so I command you to take care of the women in good manner”

(Bukhari 5186)

- The Prophet (SAAW) said: “Woman is like a rib. When you attempt to straighten it, you will break it. And if you leave her alone you would benefit by her, and crookedness will remain her.” 

(Abu Hurairah (RA), Muslim 3466)

  

Sad part is that in common perception of the people only the part ‘woman is created from a rib’ remains engrossed while the complete Hadeeth is ignored.  

It should be understood clearly that the idea of woman being created from a rib is nowhere found in the Holy Qur’an. In fact it is the statement of the Bible that has been misconstrued as Islamic.

- And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

- And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought he unto the man.

(Genesis 2: 21-22)

As regards metaphorical expression used in the Hadeeth, there are numerous satisfactory explanations given by different scholars. While detailed discussion of the same is beyond the scope of this book, we share here the explanatory note by Abdul Hameed Siddiqui:

‘Creating from the rib is a metaphorical expression which signifies the stubbornness generally found in the temperament of women and that is due to their physique, psychological set up of their mind and the nature of work assigned to them. Women are physically weaker than men; they cannot, therefore, defend and protect themselves with their physical strength. Nature, by bestowing upon them two qualities, stubbornness and shyness, has equipped them for their own protection and safeguard of their individualities.

That there is a difference in the temperament of man and woman is a fact that cannot be denied. Islam has given due consideration to it and exhorted Muslims to treat women kindly and tolerate the incompatibility of temperaments. The rib is bent in its make and not straight, and it serves the purpose best in the state in which it has been created. The same is the case with woman. She has been created with some peculiar qualities of physique and mind. She can, therefore, serve her purpose best in this very state; to straighten her, i.e. to make her work just as the man pleases or to make her perfectly compatible with the temperament of her husband, or o cast her angles of vision and modes of thinking in the mould of her husband, is not possible in every case. Man should, therefore, treat her with toleration and respect and try to get the maximum which she can do in her own sphere of life and with her own physical and mental equipment.’ (Abdul Hameed Siddiqui in Translation of Saheeh Muslim)

Thus, we are advised by the Holy Qur’an and Sunnah to be patient and considerate with the new addition to the family and not to be rigid to impose or dictate.

It is noteworthy that according to research data 22% of divorces (in India) occur in the first year of marriage while it is only 0.2% after 15 years. This can be attributed to the lack of maturity in the initial phase of the marriage where discord may arise due to petty issues.

When we study the guidelines provided by the Holy Qur’an, we find certain protocol to be observed in mutual relationship. First, since the man partner is assigned the role of the head of the family, he is required to exhibit more maturity, restraint, accommodation and consideration. Second, as far as possible, the differences and discords should be resolved in-house, thereby maintaining the dignity and respect of the couple in the society. Third, if despite all efforts for reconciliation fail and separation seems to be the only option, it should be taken with dignity and maturity. Even in case of separation, husband is supposed to show magnanimity and open heartedness. 

Let us now see briefly the guidelines provided for tackling the estranged relationship at various stages.

Stage 1: in the beginning of relationship – or even at a later stage – there can be reasons for discord or disinclination that may not be of serious nature. The Holy Qur’an directs us to accommodate and adjust!

- O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should you treat them with harshness, that you may take away a part of the dower you have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness. On the contrary, live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah (SWT) brings about through it a great deal of good.

(An-Nisa 4, Ayah 19) 

Stage 2: in a situation where pertaining to behavior, attitude or character, there are issues that are unacceptable and persistent, the Holy Qur’an says:

- …. As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, (first) admonish them, (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, do not seek against them means (of annoyance):  for  Allah (SWT) is Most High, Great (above you all).

(An-Nisa 4, Ayah 34)

The Ayah gives three options – and in that sequence – to mend the situation. First, advice or admonish them with prudence and, if required, firmly. Next, if they persist with the behavior, separate them in your bed. This measure proves highly effective in most of the cases since it puts emotional and psychological pressure to make the necessary course correction. Also, it gives the glimpse of what they may be in for in case of extreme step of separation is taken. And, finally, if the arrogant, stubborn behavior still remains unchanged, as a last option, physical punishment may be resorted to. This may be necessary for one in thousand cases where the girl is coming from a background where things are not taken seriously unless they are imposed strictly. At the same time it should be absolutely clear that this option granted for extreme cases should not be taken as a license and justification for domestic violence. In this regard, we should be guided by the dealing of Prophet (SAAW) with his wives and his instructions. 

- Prophet (SAAW) said: The best of you is he who is best to his wives and I am the best among you to my wives.

(Aisha (RA), Tirmidhi 3895)

- Prophet (SAAW) said: the believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have best behavior; and the best of you are those who are best to their wives.

(Abu Hurairah (RA), Tirmidhi 1162)

(It is worth noting that, as much as possible, the differences should be resolved in-house to maintain the dignity of the relationship.)

Stage 3: Next, what if husband and wife are not able to resolve the issue themselves? The Holy Qur’an says:

- If you fear a breach between the two, appoint an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they want to set things right, Allah (SWT) will bring about reconciliation between them. Allah (SWT) is All-Knowing, is All-Aware.

(An-Nisa 4, Ayah 35)

Thus, the matter moves to the next level but still remains between the two families. One mature, prudent and just member from each of the two families should look into the issue and try to resolve it by pointing out the mistake of the offending partner or of both the partner, as the case may be. Advising, admonishing, cajoling – even dictating, if necessary – the offender(s) to mend the behavior and live amicably. They are not supposed to sweep the issue under the carpet but should address it. Only then a permanent, peaceful living environment will be possible. 

Stage 4: If even the reconciliation efforts by the elders of the family fail to reach a desirable end and the inevitable step of separation has to be taken, then it should also be taken in a dignified, permitted manner as per the guidelines provided by the Holy Qur’an and Sunnah. The Holy Qur’an says:

- Divorce can be pronounced twice: then either honorable retention or kindly release should follow (while dissolving the marriage tie). It is unlawful for you to take back anything of what you have given to your wives unless both fear that they may not be able to keep within the bounds set by Allah (SWT). There is no blame upon them for what the wife may give away of her property too become released from the marriage tie. These are the bounds set by Allah (SWT), do not transgress them. Those of you who transgress these bounds set by Allah (SWT) are indeed wrong-doers.

(An-Nisa 4, Ayah 229)

- O Prophet (SAAW)! When you (Muslims) divorce women, divorce them at their prescribed periods, and count (accurately) their prescribed periods: and fear Allah (SWT) your Rabb: and do not turn them out of their houses, nor shall they (themselves) leave, except in case they are guilty of some open lewdness. Those are the limits set  by Allah (SWT): and any who transgresses the limits of Allah (SWT),does verily wrong his (own) soul: you do not know if perchance Allah (SWT) will bring about thereafter some new situation.

- Thus when they fulfill their term appointed, either take them back on equitable terms or part with them on equitable terms; and take for witness two persons from among you, endued with justice, and establish the evidence (as) before Allah (SWT). Such is the admonition given to him who believes in Allah (SWT) and the Last Day. And for those who fear Allah (SWT), He (ever) prepares a way out. 

(At-Talaq 65, Ayat 1-2)

We summarize hereunder the procedure for pronouncing divorce in the most acceptable manner according to the Holy Qur’an and Sunnah, as explained by Islamic Jurisprudence:

1. If the divorce seems to be the only option, it should be pronounced in a period in which the husband has not approached his wife after her menstruation.

2. A single pronouncement should be made in the presence of two mature people as witness.

3. Unless there are some serious reasons due to which she has to leave, the woman shall continue to stay in the husband’s house for a period of three menstruations, which is the waiting period for her, after the pronouncement of divorce. This waiting period during which the two are staying together but not having husband-wife relation provides them with a golden opportunity to reassess the situation and reconsider their decision.

4. If they decide to mend the relationship, the husband can revoke his pronouncement (with a good intention). He can do it by either physically approaching the wife or simply pronouncing it verbally. This decision should also be brought to the notice of two adult witnesses.

5. If the husband stands by his decision, separation is established after the waiting period and the woman is separated from husband. However, in future if they want to come together, it is permitted after fresh Nikah. 

6. In this second term of marriage, if the disputes or problems resurface, husband can pronounce divorce second time and the process will be same as mentioned in the previous five steps.

7. The option of reconciliation and reunion during the waiting period is available only in case of first two pronouncements of divorce. However, even after second reunion if the discord resurfaces and the divorce is pronounced for the third time, it is irrevocable. There cannot be reconciliation during waiting period.

But if the woman is married to another man and the second husband passes away or pronounces divorce, the woman can reunite with the previous husband through fresh Nikah, if they both agree. The Holy Qur’an says:

- Divorce can be pronounced twice: then either honorable retention or kindly release should follow (while dissolving the marriage tie). It is unlawful for you to take back anything of what you have given to your wives unless both fear that they may not be able to keep within the bounds set by Allah (SWT). There is no blame upon them for what the wife may give away of her property too become released from the marriage tie. These are the bounds set by Allah (SWT), do not transgress them. Those of you who transgress these bounds set by Allah (SWT) are indeed wrong-doers.

- Then if he divorces her (for the third time after having pronounced the divorce twice) she shall not be lawful to him unless she first takes another man for husband and he divorces her. There is no blame upon them if both of them return to one another thereafter provided they think that they will be able to keep within the bounds set by Allah (SWT) these are the bounds of Allah (SWT) which He makes clear to a people who have knowledge (of the consequences of violating those bounds).

(Al-Baqarah 2, Ayat 229-230)  

 These Ayat forbid the husband from taking back anything from the dower or a gift – however costly – that is given to the wife in good times. The demand of return of gifts or part thereof is permitted in case it is the wife who is seeking separation (termed as Khula in Islamic Jurisprudence). Even in this case, husband cannot demand for more than what he has actually given.

- If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such a settlement is best; even though men’s souls are swayed by greed. But if you do good and practice self-restraint, Allah (SWT) is well-acquainted with all that you do.

(An-Nisa 4, Ayah 128)  

To sum up, the Holy Qur’an insists on adjustment, large heartedness and compassion in marital relation – especially from husband. In the event of non-compatibility, it permits separation after exhausting all possible options for reconciliation. The extreme measure of separation has to be taken in a dignified manner, giving full considerations to the bounds set by Allah (SWT).

- But those who disobey Allah (SWT) and His Messenger (SAAW) and transgress His limits will be admitted to a Fire, to abide therein: and they shall have a humiliating punishment.

(An-Nisa 4, Ayah 14)