First relationship which we are exposed to, after opening our eyes, is parent-child relationship. Even in this relationship, mother-child relationship has precedence and priority. Holy Qur’an lays special emphasis on this relationship and enjoins us to be respectful, obedient and caring to our parents. The extent of importance attached to this relationship is evident from the fact that in the Holy Qur’an we are instructed to treat our parents nicely, immediately after enjoining upon us to worship only Allah (SWT).

- …..Worship none but Allah (SWT); treat with kindness your parents and kindred, and orphans and those in need.  …….  

(Al-Baqarah 2, Ayah 83)

- Serve Allah (SWT), and join not any partners with Him; and do good – to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, those in need, neighbors who are near, neighbors who are strangers, the Companion by your side, the way-farer (you meet), and what your right hands possess: for Allah (SWT) does not love the arrogant, the vainglorious;-

(An-Nisa 4, Ayah 36)

- Your Rabb has decreed that you worship non but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor.

- And, out of kindness, lower the wings of humility, and say: “O my Rabb! Bestow upon them Your Mercy even as they raised me in childhood.”

(Al-Isra 17, Ayat 23-24)

- We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length, when he reaches the age of full strength and attains forty years, he says, “O my Rabb! Grant me that I may be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me, and upon both my parents, and that I may work righteousness such as You may approve: and be Gracious to me in respect of my offspring. Truly have I turned to You and truly I bow (to You) in Islam.

(Al-Ahqaf 46, Ayah 15)  

The norms and etiquettes of relationship with parents are laid down by the above Ayat. It is significant to note that Allah (SWT) makes it obligatory – not optional – to be respectful and caring towards our parents. Special mention is made to be extra cautious in our attitude towards them when they attain old age. 

Our Creator, Who is closer to us than our jugular vein, understands our psyche better than us. He knows that when we are at the prime of our age, our priorities and preferences may create a tendency to neglect our parents who have passed their prime. Their needs and demands may become a source of irritation for us. This may result in a rude, disrespectful behavior towards them. We are warned against such an attitude and are directed to scrupulously refrain from uttering a single word of disdain. The root of Arabic word used in the Ayah 23 of Surah Al-Isra, translated as ‘nor repel them’, is Nahr which means: to chide, scold, reproach; to turn away with angry words, brush off, rebuff, reject, repulse, drive away, chase away someone. Thus, it covers a wide range of ill treatment including showing disrespect through body language, facial expression or even ignoring purposely. In today’s context it also includes putting them in old age home . 

It is noteworthy that harsh behavior with parents is most evident when we have a difference of opinion with them on a particular issue. ‘Generation gap’ is put forward as the reason for this difference of opinion. In fact, the idea of generation gap is itself nothing more than a myth. Difference of opinion and perspective does occur between people of same age group as well. It is due to difference in aspects like life experience, exposure, maturity level, education and mindset of the individuals rather than age difference. Like any other such situation in life, it always helps to look at things with the other person’s (in this case parent) perspective and empathize with them.     

The obligation to be respectful to parents is so uncompromising that we are enjoined to be respectful and treat them well even if they are non-believers.

Asma bint Abu Bakr (RA) narrated: I said, “O Messenger (SAAW) of Allah, my mother, who is an unbeliever, has come to me. Should I (even on her position of being actively opposed to Islam) treat her well?” He (SAAW) said: Yes.

(Asma bint Abu Bakr (RA), Muslim 2194)   

However, treating the non-believing parents well or obeying them should not be at the cost of our Imaan and should be without compromising on basic principles.

It is reported that when Abu Sufyan – a non-believer at that time – visited Madinah to get the Treaty of Hudaibiyah re-ratified, he visited his daughter Umme Habibah (RA). She was one of the wives of the Prophet (SAAW). When Abu Sufyan intended to sit on the bed, Hazrat Umme Habibah (RA) wrapped up the bed spread. Abu Sufyan Asked whether the bed spread was not up to his status or he did not deserve to sit on it? Hazrat Umme Habibah (RA)’s candid reply was that the bed spread belonged to the Prophet (SAAW) and its sanctity had to be maintained. 

- And We have enjoined upon man goodness to parents. But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. To Me is your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.     

(Al-Ankabut 29, Ayah 8)     

Even with Muslim parents, in some cases it so happens that there are some family traditions – social, cultural or ethnic – that are followed blindly for generations. One has to be cautious and should ensure that these traditions or rituals are in conformity with the Holy Qur’an and Sunnah. If that is not the case, not only that one should discretely refrain from them but should also make efforts to stop these practices in the family.